DarkWar2- March 11th, 2017
Podcast: https://soundcloud.com/user-192382142/pwrcast-episode-1 Mixtape: https://mothlifetapes.bandcamp.com/album/darkmix-2017-2 Pre-Show Announcements: Spring has finally sprung - but its an actual, metal spring. The hydraulic limb of a massive robot retracts and pumps forward, its cold metal fist crushing an aluminum can into a flat disk. A grating, monotone whisper inflects human speech: ILLEGAL PARTY VIOLENCE DETECTED Welcome to 2017 - a chrome dystopia we thought we'd escaped. Dark, crowded buildings crush the skyline. Hyper-liminal neon ads wash out the horizon. DEEPSLAM - the most insidious artificial intelligence ever programmed - is back. Its goal? TOTAL HUMAN ENSLAVEMENT. SLAMBOTS round up rogue rasslers, bodyslamming and pinning them in a perfunctory and unsporting display. This is WORK VIOLENCE. But will we allow ourselves to be enslaved?! To be suplexed in robotic a-slam-bly lines?! To be tube-fed glowing sports drinks?! PROBABLY NOT! On March 11th, the battle lines will be drawn. Will you serve the machines, or resist their impossible might? Will you opt for a FULL - METAL CONVERSION, or WEAPONIZE YOUR INHERENT GORE? "THE TIME HAS COME!" HELLSPORT will do all they can to crush Party World Rasslin' - but we have at least one fight left in us. Please join us as craft beer and wrestling determines the fate of humanity! This FREE PARTY features important yelling, sincere grappling and powerful costumes. Crank those glands into sweat mode and hop into the commotion!!! This is the Darkwar. Never mess around, because it's time to announce...THE NIGHT'S MATCH CARD! ---------- ??Main Event?? ------------------------- Dan "The Man" Ziglar holds the Partyweight Championship - the key to controlling the invincible robot DEEPSLAM! Can DAN be made to defend his title? If so, who against? THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU! The future of humanity depends on THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK! ------------------------- Luigi Primo vs. Big Daddy Bolero ------------------------- PWR's most reknowned mustache-havers face off! Big Daddy Bolero is a Dallas oil tycoon also noted for his height, cowboy-hat, and bribery. Luigi Primo is Austin's most legitimately Italian pizza chef. Rude sauce vs. crude hoss! This is CRAZY! ------------------------- Dadbod vs. Puggin'Head ------------------------- SESAME STREETFIGHT! In this match...THE CONCEPT OF DISQUALIFICATION IS ITSELF DISQUALIFIED!!! Dadbod shouted his way into PWR on the strength of his conspiracy theorizing and unique balding pattern. Puggin'Head is a brave, small man made of felt. 6 months ago, "The Bod" used a CRAVEN, OUTLAWED PILEDRIVER to break young Puggin'Head's neck. After a lengthy and uncertain recovery process, PUGGIN'HEAD is finally back to stand up against DADBOD's bullying. ------------------------- Pinkeye Garbageweight Champion] vs. Jeff TITLE MATCH ------------------------- THE RUDEST MATCH! What vile post-human enhancements has the vaguely-daemonic Jeff added to his body? What new trash has Pinkeye added to her junked-out arsenal? She'll need all of it for this one! Hellsport's most vocal spokesperson has jerknapped Pinkeye's closest friend, Babyface! Can the dumpster queen dump Jeff back into oblivion and save Babyface, or is this the end for both The Dumpster Babes? You've got to come and check it out...it's just...please! ------------------------- Title Match Randy "The Eagle" Eagleman vs. Necro Zakhey Necroweight Champion] ------------------------- It's a tale as old as time: A Tsarist Russian Warlord gains immense power by absorbing souls with a cursed belt. He further rends away his humanity by injecting powerful chemicals and installing cybernetics. A weird genetic infection turns a waiter into a birdman. The Warlord antagonizes the birdman and won't give him the antidote to his condition. If you know the story - you know the two bitter rivals must now face off in the ruins of society. The winner will bear the TERRIBLE RESPONSIBILITY of holding the Necrobelt. And the other's soul may be destroyed! NO DISQUALIFICATIONS, NO QUARTER, NO DANG MERCY! Will Zahkey finally subjugate Randy? Can Randy SPREAD HIS WINGS to reclaim his humanity??? DAAAAANG! ------------------------- PLUS: Deepslam 4.20: The rebuilt DEEPSLAM robot is more powerful than any wrestler in human or inhuman history. Its neural network controls SLAMNET, and it fights as HELLSPORT's number 1 enforcer. With it gaurding the champ, how can anyone ever get a shot at the title?! Dock Master: PWR's former Partyweight Champion, the champion of all dock workers, strives to stand tall against a foe he has never beaten in our timeline! Theodosia: Frozen in ice for 200 years, the ancient gaurdian continues her fight for the resistance. She might only barely know what a robot is, but she sure knows how to smash it! Hot Dog: The crust warrior, Hotdog, has been captured by the machines! Has he drank his last bottle of Listerine? NARRC (The North American RailRoad Commission): PWR's BFF CHAMPIONS, The North American Railroad Commission - enforce TRAINLAW against all pedestrians who dare cross the rails of the DARKWAR. They've been NARRCing on any resistance members they find, surrendering them to SLAMNET or feeding them to locomotive engines. Such cruel power... #NARRCWAR Poseiborg: The Cybernetic Lord of the Deep is always freaking out when people tresspass in his domain! Let's hope no one runs afoul of him! Arbitro Obscuro: Will PWR's mask vigilante Referee show up? PLUS MORE?!?!?!?!?!?! History of DarkWar: Why does it persist? The road to Darkwar is long and perilous. It's even longer and more perilous the second time around. Do you want to know the LEGEND of DAKRWAR? Then come closer... ___ACT I. THE FIRST DARKWAR___ Before we can go forward in time, we must look backward to the year 2015. A gentler time. A simpler time. A time when all seemed right with Party Violence, and Dock Master was our Partyweight Champion. At WrestleSlam: The Riots of Spring- March 7th, 2015, Dr. Julius Dorkenheimer returned from a 20-year suspension to reveal his latest grotesque creation... Deepslam. A machine with the face of a human... a wrestling supercomputer, the likes of which had never been seen, which ushered in the unstoppable future of party violence. Many brave rasslers faced off against the machine, and all were defeated. It was only Foamster who was able to conquer the savage machine. At Judgment Slam, DEEPSLAM 2.0 -- taller, stronger, "leg-enabled," tore the heart from Foamster's chest and demanded a shot at the Partyweight Belt. A furious Dock Master granted it to him. It was the roughest fight of Dock Master's life. After an incredible effort--one that would have killed nearly any other man or woman--Dock managed to rend DEEPSLAM 2.0 limb from cybernetic limb, leaving a lifeless circuit box in the middle of the ring. Or so we thought. From the chest of DEEPSLAM 2.0 sprung a new automaton--with superhuman agility and a devastating bloodfury. All seemed lost. And then the robots came. A time traveler, sent from the distant, dystopian future of 2017, warned the Multiverse of a looming and terrible threat. From a strange portal emerged a cadre of inhuman sentinels--the Slambots. Their leader... was Dan "The Man" Ziglar?! In an alternate future, SLAMNET, a disembodied hyperpowerful artificial intelligence ran the streets. It sent Dan back in time to 2015 to bring Deepslam and the Partyweight Belt from 2015 to 2017 to crush the last dregs of the human resistance and cement its power. DEEPSLAM 3.0 took the belt and followed Dan into the portal. This was insanely messed up! Suddenly, we began receiving... things. Videotapes. Mailed to us or left on our porch. They showed us the hellfuture... They contained documentation of 2017. Nobody was safe. Party Violence was forbidden. Not even the last Lone Star was safe... It was time... for the DARKWAR At DarkWar- October 10th, 2015 and the Dark, Dystopic Future of 2017, we sent the entire Multiverse, plus some available wrestlers, to the future--to see if it could be won. The losses were devastating, and we watched hobbled, cyberized versions of our beloved rasslers fall one after another in the ring. But finally, after a brutal six-wrestler showdown, the RESISTANCE, led by a mysterious woman with powerful kicks, defeated Dan "the Mandroid" Ziglar and DEEPSLAM 3.0 in a series of increasingly final confrontations. Though we lost the belt in an act of extreme sacrifice, all was saved! Or so we thought. ___ACT II. A NEW HEROINE RISES; AN OLD HERO RETURNS___ Meanwhile, in our own natural timeline, Dock Master was still lost at sea, reeling from his head wound inflicted by DEEPSLAM. At Winter Wonderslam II- December 12th, 2015, in the first ever Foamster Memorial Foam Fumble, we sought a new champion--only to watch Dan "the Man" Ziglar reclaim the belt. One of his main sponsors, HELLSPORT, began their research into cybernetics. Uh oh! Through the providence of Slamta Clause, we met Theodosia--the leader of the Resistance in 2017! She was unfrozen from a giant block of ice, and swore to uphold the virtues of Party Violence. Nobody could deny her a shot to protect the belt she had spent so long protecting, not even Dan. Her blood feud with Dan escalated into a battle at WrestleSlam II: WrestleVania- March 12th, 2016. She should have won - but Dan had studied their match at DARKWAR on Youtube, and used his present knowledge of their alternate timeline match to gain an unfair advantage! Just as HELLSPORT, and Dan, seemed like they would dominate forever, DOCKMASTER returned and challenged Dan. Dan's bizarre megolomania grew. At Slamhain III: Skeleton Cruise- October 8th, 2016, Dock and Dan waged bodywar inside and outside the ring. Only after slamming Dan into a giant keg at the cost of his own health, Dock reclaimed the Partyweight Belt. All seemed well! HELLSPORT, cowed, was weakened! ___ACT III. DARKWAR 2: RETURN TO CASTLE DARKWAR___ But Hellsport's cybernetic experiments remained underway, and by burrowing into Mother Worm's lair, they readied the final and most blasphemous piece of their master plan. After stealing Mother Worm's Heart at Winter Wonderslam III- December 10th, 2016, HELLSPORT had assumed the arcane energy of enough artifacts to the create a great power source. One used... to rebuild and reactivate PROJECT T.E.N.M.A.L.S. --- a new DEEPSLAM! DEEPSLAM v 4.20 annihilated Theodosia and Dock Master at once at the end of the 2nd Annual Foamster Memorial Foam Fumble. Which leads us to today. With Dan in control of the belt, and DEEPSLAM 4.20 protecting him, Hellsport has created a surveillance state that seeks TOTAL HUMAN ENSLAVEMENT. The HUMAN RESISTANCE bands together to fight against this threat. Swifty Dinero, Dan's manager, seeks out Dan amidst this new, terrifying world. On March 11th, the Resistance will mount a final attack on the ring that HELLSPORT, DEEPSLAM, and Dan have claimed in their name. If they can get Dan to lose the belt, SLAMNET can be shut down, and humanity given a chance. Other Key players: Kippy: Hellsport used the power of FAMILY COURT to brainwash KIPPY, AGE 7, friend of horses; adopt her; and turn her into something much more sinister--A Teen--so that she might cyberbully and defeat Theo. Female friendship nearly triumphed, but another Hellsport spokesperson, Chad Blitz, intervened! What role has she yet to play in Darkwar? Chad Blitz: He seeks to pull down Theodosia at every chance. How will their bitter rivalry play out? Their battle continues, steeped in blood, as CHAD BLITZ finally took on California Howdy and Theodosia. After Chad blinded the Howdy, Theodosia took up his Lone Star armor... the mantle she brings to the RESISTANCE Well... that's all! See you SATURDAY. Hail Mother Worm Post-Show Announcements: DARKWAR WAGED...NEW CHAMPION CROWNED...BULLY DEFEATED...A HERO FLATTENED....LEXICAL DEBATE HELD OVER ORB/EGG...A NEW FUTURE HATCHED…. The first full moon of the season, the WORM MOON, shone overhead. But its rays were blocked by the creeping metal sprawl of HELLSPORT. As the light was blocked, so our ears were muffled from hearing the scree of our precious Mother Worm. Her heart had been stolen and corrupted by the regime of the Hellsport-addicted Partyweight Champion - Dan "The Man" Ziglar. But his cybernetic army could not quell the fires of HUMAN RESISTANCE. Theodosia and Dockmaster, enacting a careful plan, performed a devastating SHADOWY-RUN against Slamnet! Gary The Goat, who is a hacker, brought down their firewall as Theo and Dock broke the guardian Slambots in two. Mother Worm's Heart and the PWR RING had been reclaimed in the name of FLESH! ***Puggin Head DEFEATS DadBod IN SESAME STREETFIGHT Our first act of ILLEGAL PARTY VIOLENCE was a NO DISQUALIFICATION SESAME STREETFIGHT! The puppet Puggin'Head, with Chubby Uncle Juan at his side, wasted no time in attacking the dark-hearted Dadbod! Their battle took them out of the ring and all over 4th Tap Brewing Co-Op. We bawled in fear as Puggin'Head took a SUICIDE DIVE from the VIP area onto a table holding the Bod's supine form. Both competitors looked dead. But Puggin'Head recovered and dragged his foe to the ring. Puggin'Head emerged victorious! The bully who had terrorized him and his Uncle, broken his neck, and nearly removed him from wrestling had been defeated. ***DOMAIN OF ROBO SEA-KING ENCROACHED UPON, CHILDREN PROTECTED, CYBERNETICS MALFUNCTION Poseiborg, ever wary of his domain being trespassed in, hit the ring to terminate our celebration. This robot from the sea summoned forth the vicious CARL to help him in shutting down our WRESTLING CRIMES. But Alexandra Cage would not stand for this! She cried in defense of THE CHILDREN. Neither would Arbitro Obscuro - who raised a flag OF JUSTICE! Their power combined was still not enough to defeat the metal monsters. Dr. Frankie, the Resistance's controversial cybernetics specialist, then unleashed the heavily-augmented Skip Rathbone to even the odds. But a critical malfunction turned him bloodthirsty! Frankie had to battle her own creation! Finally, the power of all 3 mostly-humans was enough to take down the servants of Slamnet. ***BLASPHEMOUS FEAST TURNS TO GOREY RETURN Alas, a much more dangerous robot was on his way to the ring. DEEPSLAM 4.20 took down all 3 heroes with cold indifference. So fell 3 more Resistance warriors to SLAMNET. The Vile Jeff was there to look on, robed in finery. He bragged about the iron grip SLAMNET and HELLSPORT held over Austin. He re-re-stole the Heart of Mother Worm from its encrypted pedestal. After blasphemously chomping down on the precious bloodloaf, he washed it down with a drink sipped from the pilfered DONGLER'S CUP! His heresy extended farther than even he realized. The union of such powerful PARTY ARTIFACTS called to the soul of Timmy Quivers! He flew from the BONEREALM to the gut of Jeff - bursting from his corpus like a skeletal chrysalid! Yes...he had seen things in the BONEREALM...and learned things. He learned that Faith, and Trve Sacrifice, could restore the Heart of Mother Worm to life. Her waning power could be restored! ***PIZZA CHEF FIGHTS ROBOT, REUNITES WITH SON With the battle temporarily swaying in the favor of humanity, the match of Big Daddy Bolero and Luigi Primo was announced! But BDB had recently been injured. His Platinum HELLSPORT Health Insurance provided recourse, a surrogate robot! In his place, Rodeotron - the Perfect Cowboy - would fight! This unusual and questionable situation was eagerly accepted by the mad pizza chef, Luigi Primo. After outmaneuvering the Western-style robot, Luigi was primed to pour PIZZA SAUCE into its circuits. But BDB intervened - choking Luigi with a neon lasso! Luigi's enemies deftly avoided the ref to effectively double-team him. And yet, Luigi refused to reach out his son, Pastaman, for help! Finally, with his very life hanging in the balance, Luigi swallowed his pride and called out to his spaghetti golem kin. Though disqualified by the ref, The Primo Family reunited and cleared the ring of all foes. Bittersweet news followed: Pastaman's was on his way to College. They put pizza toppings on the ref, together, as a family. ***NEW Necroweight Champion CROWNED, A DARK POWER SEIZED The next match was set to settle a year-long score between Randy "The Eagle" Eagleman and Necro Zahkey, holder of the Necroweight Belt! After stealing Randy’s humanity, his chance at the Partyweight title, and nearly killing him, Zahkey was now after his very soul. The Necrobaron arrived in full regalia, his dark retinue including an army of skeletons, the degenerate DARKTOR Weiner, and the enslaved Victor Von Vang. When the fog cleared, the two were at eachother's throats. Randy summoned every ounce of his eagle strength to oppose his foe's skeletal might. Zahkey attempted his finisher off the top rope, but Randy flew out of the way and knocked him to the ground! The battle moved to a standstill - and then both competitors began fatally battling with an IRRIDIUM ALLOY CHAIR! Finally, Randy was able to slam Zahkey on said chair, and executed an AVIAN FLEW to end the match. The new NECROWEIGHT CHAMPION held his dark belt. With it, he used it to absorb the soul of Zahkey - that scourge of nations, that mass murdering monster. After terrorizing the globe for so many years, Zahkey had been defeated and destroyed. But the power of this hellish belt knocked Randy off his feet. Would he be able to use this belt for good?! Randy left the ring with an air of solemn responsibillity! ***HOTDOG ESCAPES, NARRCWAR REIGNS Hot Dog soon showed up, having escaped from SLAMNET'S pits with the help of Robicop - the cop that drinks Robitussin! But their freedom was not free - NARRC (The North American RailRoad Commission) was soon battling them in a BEST FRIENDS FOREVER title match! The power of Hot Dog and Robicop's friendship was indeed as strong as the syrup they drank. The two friends resisted the cruel power of the NARRC with middle fingers and stunners. But a well hidden RAILROAD CROSSING sign soon found its way to Robicop's head. The dazed, reformed slambot then found himself on the traintracks beneath the ring! Hotdog was handcuffed to the ring and forced to watch as the NARRC summoned a DOOMTRAIN to run over Robicop. The life eked out of the flattened competitor . Hot Dog cradled his dying body as he recited his final words. Hot Dog himself then went under. The Resistance suffered a devastating loss. ***TRVE SACRIFICE YIELDS POWERFUL RITUAL But lo - the sacrifice of Robicop - the sacrifice of a life lost in the pursuit of TRVE CVLT PARTY VIOLENCE - triggered a miracle. The heart of Mother Worm began a slow but steady beat. A light pulsed within it! The mysterious Diana Hearthstone explained that Mother Worm could now be revived to full strength through a ritual of eld, but that a host body would be required. Timmy Quivers was quick to volunteer himself. With the Heart pushed against Timmy, Theodosia, Dock Master and Diana linked hands in a Dongler's Prism around him. They intoned the sacred words of the ritual. The spirit of PARTY VIOLENCE rose to a fever pitch - until finally...Timmy Quivers vomited a tiny orb, or egg. What did it mean? Was it an egg? Or an orb? ***HORRIBLE ANNOUNCEMENT MADE AND MAIN EVENT BOOKED It was then that the usurper Partyweight Champion Dan "The Man" Ziglar made his first appearance. Him and his HELLSPORT CADRE spurned the orb/egg, and revealed the chilling news: HELLSPORT had killed Mother Worm through the advocacy of WORK VIOLENCE and other meta/physical poisons. We all reeled from this news - but Theodosia remained practical, challenging Dan for his title! Dan finally agreed - but only at stupendously unfair odds. If the Resistance members could survive an MULTIRASSLER TAG MATCH stacked against them, they could face Dan for the title! 2 against 5?! Here was Dan’s plan for eliminating the Resistance for good! This was too much for the heretofore-silent Professor Dorkenheimer. He defected from HELLSPORT in an attempt to redeem the crimes of his wayward super-science. His betrayal cost him dearly - as he was dragged away by Slambots. But DEEPSLAM 3.0, his greatest invention, joined the hesitant Resistance. Would Dock Master be able to accept the aid of the machine who had once broken his skull and set him adrift at sea? There was a moment’s hesitation...and then the 3 resistance heroes cast aside their prejudices and punched their fists, ready to give everything for a chance to regain hope for humanity. The FORCES OF FLESH, and their robot ally, prepared for the final battle. Even though Mother Worm was gone, humanity would not stop believing in their own survival. ***TRASH CHAMPION SAVES BABYFACE AND DEFEATS JEFF Mother Worm was not all HELLSPORT had stolen. Garbageweight Champion Pinkeye emerged with her TRASH VALETS, desperately looking for her former tag team partner, Babyface! Who was behind this? None other than Jeff. Having lost his torso and legs when Timmy Quivers rent him in twain, Jeff's head was ensconced in a new robotic body! Babyface was wheeled out in a cage, and Pinkeye put her belt on the line to save him. The two competitors brawled across the ring, no disqualifications allowed! Finally, Pinkeye GAVE BIRTH in the ring, strangling Jeff with the umbilical cord of her dumpster child. That happened! The retaining champion then proposed to her rescued friend - and their disgusting, beautiful family was united forever. ***DOCK MASTER ONLY WRESTLER STANDING AFTER FURIOUS BATTLE While The Dumpster Babes went off to grow their new family, the stage was set for humanity’s final battle! Theodosia, Dock Master, and Deepslam 3.0 squared off in a multirassler tag match against Deepslam 4.20, Chad Blitz, Cyber Goldie, Kippy and Clothesline Bot! Deepslam 4.20 dominated at the outset - it seemed no human fighter could match its strength. But its earlier revision, the mighty 3.0, threatened to match his power! But 4.20 would not face him, and threw his teammates to the fore. After 3.0 eliminated the powerful and dangerous Clothesline Bot, the slippery Cyber Goldie kept him from his mark. Finally, a DEEP SLAM temporarily knocked out the Cyber Fish. After a scuffle with Chad, 4.20 and 3.0 finally squared up! In the Iron Nelson of 3.0, 4.20’s neck apparatus and left arm were damaged. Would the good robot triumph? As the crowd chanted for their new metal friend, 4.20 dug hellishly long fingers into its chest cavity. He pulled the still-pumping metallic heart from it! Just as 3.0 had torn the heart out of Foamster all those years ago, so his own Champion’s Heart was torn. But his sacrifice was not in vain - 4.20 temporarily retreated to the outside while his mechanical parts were worked on by HELLSPORT scientists. Theodosia squared up with Goldie as 4.20 took its pitstop. But Goldie and Chad, using their legendary double-teaming, cut Theo off from her partner. She was left vulnerable to be slammed into a padless turnbuckle! With the ref distracted, Chad sought to eliminate his rival - by giving Kippy a chair and commanding her to give the deathblow! But Kippy turned on Chad, and instead clocked him and helped eliminate Goldie! Kippy was removed by her vengeful guardian and the woozy Theodosia was dragged away by slambots. With Theo gone, and perhaps dead, Dock Master faced the final competitors of HELLSPORT. An athletic contest with CHAD BLITZ finally terminated in the dreaded BLUENOSE - and Chad was done. Deepslam, fresh from his repairs, again proved his superior strength over any human. But Dock Master summoned every last bit of his power. The Heart of A Champion truly shown within him! After a series of suplexes, Deepslam was stunned. He broke both of Dock Master’s legs and his left arm. Finally, Dock locked an iron grip with his right arm on the Robot’s neck, and with a mighty twist, snapped the damaged robospine. The battle was over. But now, Dock Master was to reap the rewards of his victory: an immediate title shot against Dan "The Man" Ziglar! Dock Master was in no shape to fight, and lost neatly to the fresh and nanite-infused Dan. No one was left. The Darkwar was lost. Humanity was doomed. But then! Theodosia emerged, carrying the heads of her slambot captors! She demanded a match with Dan! Dan would not face her, and called Swifty Dinero, his wily agent, to explain why. But Swifty, tired of serving the maniac whims of a pretender to godhood, had bad news for Dan. Theo had not technically been eliminated; she was owed her own title match! ***THEODOSIA BECOMES CHAMPION AFTER CENTURIES OF STRUGGLE, ENDS DARKWAR So the two faced eachother - Dan confident she would be easy pickings. He began with his usual mindgames - but Theodosia fell for none of them! She attacked with a blinding series of holds that that sundered Ziglar. Theo had a counter for everything he threw at her, slipping out of his powermoves with takedowns, following them up with clothesines! But a chop to the back of the neck extinguished her flame, and Dan went to work on her upper spine with kicks and knees. Her spirit was too strong to be laid out by this, and she came alive once more with forearm strikes that were almost too fast to be believed. Dan was flung from post to post by her lightning offense - his cunning counters were themselves countered! Every limb he extended could be used to drop him by this extraordinary, 200+ year-old young woman. But Dan was filled with HELLSPORT and in the best shape of his life. He weathered the assault and delivered a concussive SPIKE DDT. As he sought to choke the life out of Theo, the ref proved to disruptive, and Dan pulverized "Smooth" Verny Vegas with a VISIBLE HAND OF CAPITALISM! With no rules, Dan was free to grab THEODOSIA’S AXE to try to chop her into lumber! But Kippy would still not let her friend be killed. She grabbed his hand, giving Theo time to recover! The Resistance hero started running hot again - locking in punishing Boston Crabs! With no ref to call the rope break, she pulled back on Dan’s tendons unto irreparable damage. But he finally wrenched free. After begging off, he found the axe once again, and hit Theo in the gut with the axehead. An ATLAS SHRUG softened Theodosia for his finisher - and he lifted her for the VISIBLE HAND OF CAPITALISM. Then, out of nowhere came the move that had defeated Dan in the alternate Darkwar of 2015 - a HURRICANRANA! Dan was stunned, and Theo punished his head with her 9TH WAVE kick! But with no ref, no one could win! ARBITRO OBSCURO finally arrived on the scene, ready to perform some VIGILANTE REFERREEING. Even with a weakened leg, Dan still had all his tricks, and cinched in yet another ATLAS SHRUG - this one certainly being the one that would break Theodosia’s back. But his leg gave way! A final clutch for the throat with a VISIBLE HAND, and Theo kneecapped him again, setting up a final 9TH WAVE. With Dan stunned, Theo immediately GRANTED UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE, her most powerful leg hold. Dan tapped out! His power was broken. A new PWR champion had been born. After centuries of defending the belt against Ziglar, his corrupt ancestors, and other evil men, in this timeline and others, Theodosia finally held the belt aloft. She was now not only its defender - but its owner. Hail Theodosia!!! The Darkwar had been won. With the belt reclaimed by humanity, SLAMNET could now be shut down. With Dan’s power taken, HELLSPORT’s back was broken. We had won - but at such great cost. Deepslam 3.0 had been destroyed. Robicop had been killed, and Hot Dog put into critical condition. All of Dock Master’s limbs had been broken. And Mother Worm. She too had fallen to the corruption of Dan and Hellsport. But humanity would survive. FLESH FOUGHT BACK! ***NEW FUTURE BEGAN Theodosia addressed the Multiverse - thankful for her victory. She called everyone to build a better world - to never tolerate the things that divide us, to fight fascism. The victory meant more than just a hopeful moment. It meant a promise to prevent future Darkwars. She had THE EGG from the ritual earlier brought to her. One day, she said, the egg would hatch...but then, a cracking sound! The egg was hatching today! And what emerged...but a tiny Mother Worm! A Baby Worm! She had been reborn, and now it was up to us to build a world where Baby Worm would grow and become strong. HAIL BABY WORM! Thank you for fighting the Darkwar with us. What challenges and battles await us next time? Who will Theodosia defend her title against? New foes, new adventures, and new skeletons await us in June, at SLIP ‘N’ SLAM II! See you then!